Are you trying?
Last Thursday, I met up with Hamish and Samuel.
Hamish had to deliver a presentation to a team of doctors on Friday. He spent so much time telling us how much he didn’t care about the outcome, how badly he was ‘just going to wing it on the day’ that it became very clear how much he did care.
Samuel was explaining why he stopped exercising: ‘Really, when you think about it, what’s the point in going to the gym? You’re lifting a weight up and down. When do you need to lift a bar up in real life?’
What was going on here?
Hamish and Samuel were protecting themselves from a bad outcome.
It was easier for Hamish not to try than to try and fail. If he didn’t try and failed, at least he could blame the outcome on the lack of trying. He left open the possibility that he could have performed well if he actually tried1.
Samuel had a comforting story to tell himself. The real reason he didn’t go to the gym was not because he believed it was futile (even if what he was saying was technically true), but it was easier than admitting it was difficult to find the time to exercise2.
This is the central premise of The Elephant in the Brain:
Our brains are built to act in our self-interest…And in order to throw them off the trail, our brains often keep “us,” our conscious minds, in the dark. The less we know of our own ugly motives, the easier it is to hide from others. Self deception is therefore strategic, a ploy our brains use to look good while behaving badly.
Increasingly, I notice how often I’m lying to myself. I’ll give you a recent example.
Last year, I set a goal to partner with five law firms. I pursued it unseriously, sending a few emails, all the while convincing myself that it wasn’t a goal I really wanted. As soon as I didn’t receive an immediate response from the firms I contacted, I saw this as confirmation that I was working on the wrong things. I gave up.
This year, I decided I was going to actually try to secure five partnerships. No matter the outcome, I wasn’t going to allow not trying or a false storyline to be the reason for my failure. Because I was serious about the goal, I put in 10 times the work: How was I going to approach this goal to ensure I was successful? I made myself accountable to the team, set a deadline, built proposals and was relentless in following up.
What struck me the most about this experience is that I could have done all of this last year. The problem was that I formed a conclusion before I actually tried. I gave up at the first sign of difficulty.
When you next set a goal, I’d ask yourself: Are you willing to do what it takes to achieve the outcome? What would you do if you had to guarantee you were successful?
Now, it’s fine if you decide you aren't willing to do what it takes. It may not be the biggest priority right now. But it's useful not to lie to yourself.
I’d even go one step further and consider the language you use when you set a goal.
As Yudkowsky writes:
‘Much of life's challenge consists of holding ourselves to a high enough standard. I may speak more on this principle later, because it's a lens through which you can view many-but-not-all personal dilemmas—"What standard am I holding myself to? Is it high enough?
So if much of life's failure consists in holding yourself to too low a standard, you should be wary of demanding too little from yourself—setting goals that are too easy to fulfill.
Often where succeeding to do a thing, is very hard, trying to do it is much easier.
Which is easier—to build a successful startup, or to try to build a successful startup? To make a million dollars, or to try to make a million dollars?’
Now, when I set a goal, I remove the word ‘try’.
I won’t tell myself, ‘I’m going to try to do five squats this set’. I’ll tell myself, ‘I’m going to do five squats this set.’
This doesn’t mean I can’t fail. I absolutely can. But when I take out the word try, I set a higher standard. The steps I take are different if I’m going to achieve a goal than if I’m going to try to achieve a goal.
You may have experienced this at school or university, where it was normal to talk about how much you weren’t studying for an exam you cared about.
Samuel shared the real reason he wasn’t exercising later that night.